My people, my balance

Living in Barcelona, you meet people. Lots of people. But not all of them are meant to stay in your life. I realized that many of the connections I had in the past didn’t match who I’ve become. I also met a new kind of energy in Berlin & I’ve carried that with me. I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t place the weight of their happiness on one another. That’s huge!

Skateboarding has been part of this for me, too. It’s just me, my board, my balance, my tricks, my physics theory to pressure or rotate that wooden thingy properly. My favorite spot is Born Plaza, next to Cuitadella Park. It’s not beginner-friendly, but the vibe is undefeated. It’s a chill spot where no one is showing off. It’s all about focus or fun. Different energy, different people, different lifestyle.

Social interactions have shifted a lot for me over the years. 2023 started with me freshly back from Berlin & I discovered that my recent social breakups created a new internal “monster”, agoraphobia.

I call it Phoebe, as we’re intimate now.

I’ve always been extroverted & comfortable in public. Reserved at times, but pretty good in my shoes. Until that day... I was at a house party, rolling a jay, walking here & there, talking with everyone as I used to. I knew all these people. When I went to ask for a long paper from a friend, I noticed him staring at me. Nothing weird here as we're in the middle of the conversation. Although, I felt like something was on: fear! "Am I even making sense? Is what I'm saying relevant? Maybe he didn't want me to talk to him? Omg... Maybe I'm bothering all of these people with my stupid conversations!" A knot formed in my stomach. It felt hard to breathe, my face went hot & I started stuttering. I left. Not just the conversation but the party. A few months later, my balance was gone. I was struggling to even step outside. One hour in front of my door, shoes & coat on. Often, I’d give up & stay home. Phoebe was taking up a lot of space.

Combined with my Borderline Personality Disorder, I became too afraid to step outside. I’ve always struggled with communication, or at least that’s how I saw it. I became scared of saying the wrong thing, knowing that a single word could be interpreted in a way I didn’t intend. I also have a very bold way of expressing myself, stating things as I see them. Let's be honest, I haven’t been socialized very well for social interactions & that’s something I’ve come to accept.

On top of that, my hypersensitivity & emotions were completely out of control. I was completely off balance. "What if I get upset? What if I black out again?" Dissociation has been a major issue for me, & not being able to step back into my body & regain control is a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I couldn’t bring myself to expose the world to what felt like a constant, living “problem.”

Luckily, my closest friends were around to support me. Thanks to them, I’ve managed to find tools to improve my mental health & rebalance. Phoebe isn't gone though, I’m still mostly at home now. Although, my friends have adapted to this new me & I’m truly grateful for that.

Creating calm within chaos

Barcelona’s energy is a push-pull that can pull you in deep. This year, I realized Barna wasn’t the problem. It was me adapting to it. Or, rather, letting it adapt me.

I had to start carving out my own peace in the middle of the chaos. I’ve started picking the moments & spaces that recharge me. My apartment is one of them! It’s my escape. A minimalist vibe, a few plants, sunlight in the mornings. When I close the door, the chaos of the city feels a little more distant. Not gone, but manageable.

I can’t control the energy of this entire city, but I can choose how I interact with it. When I need a break, I go somewhere: yoga in Cuitadella Park, read a book on the stairs facing the sea next to the W Hotel or run until Marbella Beach.

I spend a lot of time alone. I won’t lie, my agoraphobia is one of the reasons why. But I enjoy it. These little pockets of calm make me feel balanced & at peace.

Protecting my peace

Staying balanced isn't an easy thing. I think the hardest part of all of this is the mental space, the consciousness I carry with me wherever I go. The way I interpret things, how I react to the world around me, especially with my emotions being so intense. Some days, I wake up feeling great! Light, clear-headed & ready to face the world. Other days, I’m stuck in my head... Imagine spinning thoughts in every direction! I sometimes get dizzy & nauseous from that.

These weird days are where I have to be the most conscious. I’ve started practicing mindfulness, which I’ll admit is a struggle sometimes but it’s worth it. I try to catch myself when I start spiraling & remind myself that I have the power to pause, to step back & to breathe.

Creating space inside myself is no different than creating space around me. It’s a matter of being okay with the mess, creating moments of peace. & when I do, I feel more in control. I can move through life with a little more clarity, even when it’s a bit messy.

Designing my own environment wasn’t easy. I keep struggling, but it’s definitely brought more balance into my life. I’ve aligned different factors to who I am now, not who I was. It’s a continuous process of growth. Shedding the distractions & the people that no longer fit, & embracing the things or people who help me feel at peace.