Living in Barcelona, you meet people. I realized many of the people I met in the past didn’t match who I’ve become. I felt a new kind of energy in Berlin, I’ve carried that with me. Over the years, I’ve surrounded myself with people who don’t place the weight of their happiness on one another.
That’s huge!
Skateboarding has been part of this for me, too. My favorite spot is Born Plaza, next to Cuitadella Park. It’s not beginner-friendly, but I love the vibe. It’s a chill skate spot where no one is showing off. It’s all about focus or fun.
MY PEOPLE
MY BALANCE
2023 started with me freshly back to Barcelona from Berlin. I discovered that social breakups created a new internal “monster”, agoraphobia.
I call it Phoebe, as we’re intimate now.
I’ve always been extroverted & comfortable in public. Reserved at times, but pretty good overall. Until that day... I was at a house party, rolling a jay. Walking here & there. Talking with everyone, I knew all these people. When I went to ask for a long paper from friends, I noticed them staring at me. Nothing weird here as I'm talking.
I felt like something was on. "Am I even making sense? Is what I'm saying relevant? Maybe they didn't want me to talk to them? Omg... Maybe I'm bothering all of these people with my stupid conversations!" A knot formed in my stomach. My face went hot & I started stuttering. I left. Not just the conversation but the party.
A few months later, my balance was gone. I was struggling to even step outside... One hour in front of my door, shoes & coat on. I’d give up & stay home.
Phoebe was taking up a lot of space. Mixed with a Borderline Personality Disorder, I became too afraid to step outside.
I’ve always struggled with communication. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, knowing that a single word could be interpreted in a way I didn’t intend. I also have a very bold way of expressing myself, stating things as I see them. I’ve come to accept I'm not very good for social interactions.
Hypersensitive & emotional, I was completely off balance. "What if I get upset? What if I black out again?"
Dissociation has been a major issue for me, & not being able to step back into my body & regain control is a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I couldn’t bring myself to expose the world to what felt like a constant.
My closest friends are around to support me though. Thanks to them, I’ve managed to find tools to redirect my energy & rebalance.
Phoebe isn't gone though, I’m still mostly at home now. My friends have adapted to this new me & I’m truly grateful for that.
SOCIAL
INTERACTIONS
CREATING CALM
WITHIN CHAOS
Barcelona is a push-pull that can pull you in deep. But I've come to realized Barna wasn’t the problem. It was me adapting to it. Or, letting it adapt me?
I had to create my own peace again in the middle of the chaos. I pick the moments & spaces that recharge me. My apartment is my escape. When I close the door, the chaos of the city feels distant. Not gone, but manageable.
I can’t control Barcelona, but I can choose how I interact with it. When I need a break, I go somewhere.
I spend a lot of time alone. I won’t lie, my agoraphobia is one of the reasons why. But I enjoy it. I feel balanced & at peace.
SOA Paris is an official French nonprofit organization created in Paris, currently based in Bordeaux
90.01Z - ARTS, ENTERTAINMENT & RECREATION
SIRET 924 042 336 00017
Web design: Jessy N. Marine
Artistic direction: Ségolène Carron
Footer photo: Diana Flores Fica
